Physician, (try) heal thyself
Catching imaginary snakes in the Asclepieion. Forgetting in order to unlearn and see again. And what I'm still working on...
Physician, heal thyself. I first came across this phrase over a decade ago, long before I became a doctor and long before I stepped foot into medical school.
I saw it first in an interview prep book and from the moment I saw it I liked it. It read as if it was spoken to me in a commanding tone. Urgent. Sharp. Angry. It felt like something important was hanging in the balance. As if something delicate could be ruptured if some invisible order wasn’t followed. As if I had done something wrong. As if I was wrong. It left an immediate and lasting impression on me to say the least.
I’ve since discovered it’s quoted in the Bible but in my mind, it would always conjure up images of Galen or maybe the god Asclepius12. I would imagine the words being spoken to me as a tunic wearing apprentice; an older and wiser figure would shake their head at me. Perhaps I accidentally let the snake get away. Maybe I messed up a venesection (by getting distracted looking for the aforementioned snake) and now a patient’s humours were forever imbalanced. They would sigh, turn to look at me and then squint to examine me and all my endless flaws in that moment before saying in a firm, patriarchal and disappointed tone: Physician, heal thyself.
In a way, I grew up with this quote. I wrote it down as a keep safe but there was no real need for that. The words had made a home in my brain where they sunk into my subconscious.
It’s this same quote that I’m reminded of when I see phrases like ‘fill your cup first’, or ‘put your life jacket on before saving someone else’. The similar paternalistic command from the past would echo in my mind. But the sentiment of putting yourself first to help others was so sumptuous and glossy, so crowd pleasing and so satisfying to share.
At times when I was younger, it felt like I could just live in the peripheries of the warm glow of this golden ideal and forget about facing anything real. I would share it generously with others, lathering it on advice where I could. And it was always met with vigorous nods of agreement and acknowledgement.. ‘why yes of course’, ‘naturally’. It felt helpful.
It feels so easy to give advice that’s easier said than done. So easy you could be lulled into a false sense of action; as if the close proximity between your brain and the shape and sound of those words forming in your mouth as they are spoken into existence means you're truly living by them. When really you're not.
Eventually I would slowly develop a slight disdain towards this messaging. I’d see educational institutions pumping out the advice ‘Put Yourself First’ but the system would be built to fail its learners and also achieve the opposite, actively harming mental health or well-being. Like my own medical school for example, which would overuse this term under the guise of concern. It felt like cheap and hollow noise. There was no real care that was felt in it. No accountability, no action, no support or true regard for the young people it was meant to help protect. ‘Put Yourself First’ feels cold and empty when it comes from a place which has lost your trust and has Put You First Last time and time again.
Time moved on. I graduated as a doctor. At this point, I was broken but I was holding on fine.
Physician heal thyself.
I was busy with work.
Physician heal thyself.
I was busy with work. I would sit in the car before my shifts and just Pause and Breathe. I’d listen to the air move in and out of my lungs. My ID card, hanging by a lanyard around my neck, would tug and press against my torso with each breath. I was alive. I had a purpose. I was helping people. I would eat half a banana to line my empty stomach before swallowing a pill to try fix the serotonin in my brain yet somehow that felt like I was cheating on a test.
Physician heal thyself.
I was suddenly more busy. With work. With healing others. With projects. With teaching. With conferences. With presentations. With committees. With publishing. With mentorship. With every other possible thing. I was thriving. What was there to heal? I was so busy I forgot the words I thought I would always remember.
What happens next is inevitable. I would eventually become burnt out. When I try to retrace my steps, I still struggle to pinpoint when it happened exactly, but my body gave in before my mind did. But eventually, with courage, my head listened and soon followed.
That was over a year ago now. Time has moved on.
I was looking through some old notes recently when I saw the quote again. It stopped me in my tracks when I finally saw those words. They had been buried deep somewhere inside me and now seeing them with clearer eyes pulled them back up to the forefront of my mind.
Physician heal thyself.
Those three words were familiar but for the first time, they felt tender. They didn’t feel like an external command or crushing pressure to change. They lifted off the page and landed on me with love, concern, curiosity and compassion. They didn’t make me feel like I was broken or a failure.
In some small watershed moment as I sat on the edge of my bed in those quiet early hours of the morning, they resonated with a different part of me and gently nudged me.
Nudged me to be kinder to the person I had been the least kind to.
Nudged me to start to heal the person I had neglected to heal. How exactly? I’m still working on that…
But I finally slowed down.
And now I’m building a sanctuary to try to heal myself in.
This poem by Danna Faulds3, shared during a yoga class by Charlie Follows, feels like it illuminates my journey:
Self-Observation Without Judgement
Release the harsh and pointed inner
voice. it’s just a throwback to the past,
and holds no truth about this moment.
Let go of self-judgment, the old,
learned ways of beating yourself up
for each imagined inadequacy.
Allow the dialogue within the mind
to grow friendlier, and quiet. Shift
out of inner criticism and life
suddenly looks very different.
I can say this only because I make
the choice a hundred times a day to release the voice that refuses to
acknowledge the real me.
What’s needed here isn’t more prodding toward perfection, but
intimacy – seeing clearly, and
embracing what I see.
Love, not judgment, sows the
seeds of tranquility and change.
So yes, physician, (try) heal thyself.
https://www.britannica.com/topic/Asclepius
https://www.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/artifact/asclepius-hygieia-diptych
https://www.mindfulnessassociation.net/words-of-wonder/self-observation-without-judgement-danna-faulds/?srsltid=AfmBOoq9XMg618gutAhaSedjAzuMKXw4IhNA-U0xNs3Vy9A5voR3YzYj
So glad you’re trying! Wishing you deep rest and peace.